Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all
about knowing fuck all about owt needs to watch their back.
So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk,
sending prices sky-high,
literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots!
And now you've got your ConDemNation.
Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?
Is revolution a word or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know
we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester
and they charge us for water!
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found,
this green and pleasant land in ancient times,
yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak!
It's nottheirsany more.
This is our England now!
Paaarty!
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
'Age-old question, answered by many a martyr.
'Who is the ultimate authority?
'How many politicians do you trust?
'How many judges are equipped with the skills of life
'to pass just sentences?'
Bang to rights!
Oh, Mother Mary!
'I know where I used to place my trust.
'I thought I knew who I could rely on to do the right thing.'
Those poor babies.
Civil war will claim another hundred thousand,
and they're not letting aid through.
Going to be worse than Live Aid, this one.
Nothing plumbs the depths like Status Quo.
A good famine is the life support of the British music industry.
We'll have a chat on pay day.
Begs the question, though.
Famine and pestilence don't prove there's no God.
Try telling that to the little pot-bellies.
If he's up there, how's it not a fucking disgrace?
Better off not being born.
For every claim that God wouldn't let this happen, I can provide ten arguments
invoking man's culpability and abuse of the gift of free will.
Ah! Free Willy!
Every Catholic's get-out-of-jail card.
What free will have they got?
Where's God? Right now?
Living like that? Worse than no life at all!
Divine intervention?!
St Peter's press office sending the latest spin? >
Natural selection, that's all it is
Selfish genes.
"We will procreate! "We will procreate!"
Yeah, knock a few million out of the food chain.
Take care of the rest of us lucky fuckers
by giving us the winning lottery tickets.
'Course, you lot change the rules to suit...
There's no use genuflecting where truth's involved.
You just incorporate intelligent design...
Come on.
Into God's master plan...
'Hiya, this is Alice. You know what to do, don't you?'
you live where the sand is,
move where the food is.
You'll be fucking guilty when you get to heaven
and there's nothing there and all the money you put in the pot,
money that goes towards
the Pope having hand-crafted shoes
made from the genitals of Italian street boys.
Fuck that!
Thursday, your honour!
Your honour?
Corridors of power, Kelly. Turns me on.
He's only a magistrate!
So what?
Anyone can be one.
You can't.
Going out!
That's not dressing for Mortal Combat at Macka's!
Something else came up.
Are you two-timing me?!
Look at you.
It must be love!
Behave! It's only the second time we've gone out.
Open's fine.
Hey, no chatting to schoolies, Teesh!
Don't break her heart!
Come, then.
Did you have your chat?
Can't we do it together?
No, because that's even more embarrassing.
They know more about sex than we ever will.
Watching porn on an iPhone
isn't going to help her emotional development.
Were you worried about emotional development
when we lay on your tracky top in Sharston woods?
You better do it.
She listens to you.
No, I said tails.
I always have tails.
Avril!
I hear you!
Jesus!
Alice!
Alice, come on!
Alice!
Alice, stop messing about! Come on!
Alice, come on!
Alice!
Fuck, no!
Alice! Alice!
Fuck!
Hey, what's wrong?
Where've you been?
Where do you think?
Teesh!
What's he done?
Nothing yet. Really.
So what's wrong, then?
Maybe I'd like more than two words
before he tries to take my top off!
It's Warren!
Do you know how many girls would love to be in your shoes right now?
Thought we were eating? We will.
Just come back inside and have another drink.
Maybe another time.
You don't have to come.
I'm really sorry.
You should just get some sleep now.
I impregnated a 16-year-old.
But she lost the baby.
See you later. All right?
OK.
See you later.
And they wonder why church attendance is down.
I'm sorry for texting.
Oh, no, don't be.
I'm glad you did.
I'm glad you got to me.
Maybe you do care.
Of course I do. Always.
There's still a chance for us, then?
I'm teasing!
Yeah, I know you were.
As ever...
So does being saved mean I've still got a hope of heaven?
I know there's a space with your name on.
On authority from above.
Of course.
You've got direct contact.
This one was a visitation in a dream.
Clear as day.
Said the plot's definitely yours.
But it won't be ready until you're the grand old age of 95.
So promise me you'll hang around till then?
Anything for you.
I think we would have had a little girl.
You will do one day.
She'd be walking, talking...
Alice, come on.
You're going to be OK.
He says condoms always split on him.
Eurgh! That bony arse?!
You better believe it. Tony Baloney pressed all my buttons.
Aren't you worried?
No, I was at the chemist before it even opened.
Where his sister works?
Oh, I know. I forgot.
She made me feel like a right tramp.
She can talk. Exactly!
What about catching something?
I made him cover up. What more can I do?
Not sleep with him on the first date?
People are starting to wonder what you're into.
Whether boys are really your thing.
Think I care what people think?
Well, I've gotta go.
But I'm just saying, it's the 21st century.
Forget prim and proper.
Tony told me to bring Keisha for Warren.
You're getting left behind, girl.
Should have seen the cuts on her arms.
Bet she weighs next to nothing.
So? Who knows what kind of shit
she's dealing with at home.
Which started with me getting her pregnant.
It took two to tango.
She played you!
I saw the gear she used to wear.
Remember what I used to wear?
Sending her money every month is more than anyone else would do.
Yeah...
You saved her. Now put it to bed.
Please!
Jamie!
Oi, mate! No fighting on these premises, eh?
I was going to visit later.
There's no point!
She sneaked out last night.
Jumped from the top of the hospital car park.
No!
She's all we had!
Thank you very much, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Settling in, Father? Yeah.
Makes it easy when everyone makes you feel so welcome.
Thank you, thanks for coming.
Beautiful service, thank you.
Good morning, Father.
Morning.
The other kids are laughing at her. Saying things...
Forget age! What about when it happens naturally?
Right person, right time?
I just think there's a way of helping her out.
Making sure it's not a disappointment.
I'm three months younger than you.
What was so wrong with your first time?
It was perfect, Mr Loverman.
Oi. Cloggsy's clouted a transit full of laptops.
Our name's on fifty.
Over to the divine sisterhood.
A higher authority...
Laters.
My real first time was a spotty scrote behind the bins after netball.
Horrible.
So Jackson thinks he's your...
Mmm-hmm.
My first was 25, and I was 15.
And?
He certainly knew a thing or two.
There you go. If it gives Letitia a better experience,
what's so wrong with that?
Well, I always thought she'd get it on with Aidan.
No.
Can I have a beer and an alcopop, please?
Have you nailed her yet?
Like I'd tell you.
Queer.
That's a definite 'no', bro!
Aargh, what you doing?!
Bang to rights.
Oh, hello!
Yes, m'dear.
My first time was with someone older.
There's a lot to be said for experience.
What's with the tag-team?
What are you two getting at?
Nothing.
But maybe Warren's worth a second chance?
He sells weed and he grunts.
You're supposed to want the best for me.
It'll be easier when you go to college.
What will?
To date an older guy.
Maybe one of your lecturers.
Mum!
Once it's over with, there's no awkward boundaries. No taboos.
Are you OK?
Course.
Don't worry, yeah?
The genie is out of the bottle, mate.
Kids' heads get battered with sex
and shagging soon after they've stopped watching Iggle Piggle.
You've done well she's lasted this long.
You ever bump into the first girl you slept with?
Erm... funerals, weddings.
Was a second cousin.
Shagged it behind a pile of turf at my nana's in Kildare.
You?
All the time.
Where?
Two streets over there.
No way!
Avril was your first?
On my Tacchini tracky. Turned it inside out to keep it clean.
You've done plenty of splitting up though, yeah?
Played away once.
You've had...
two women?
Ever.
What, you think there's something wrong with that?
No, it's, er... very noble.
The last one I got off Coggsy was riddled with that many viruses
I thought I was going to catch something.
Well they're sweet, them.
Who's wearing the trousers today?
Nice one.
What?
I didn't know magistrates could claim blow jobs on expenses.
We can't.
I've told them you're my life coach.
Which is just about claimable.
Like in boxing?
No... someone who helps with strategies
for long-term psychological happiness.
Jeremy Kyle?
Nothing like Jeremy Kyle.
They want to interview you about this.
I struggle with words.
Do you know the reason I choose you?
My specs?
You're a sensitive soul, a rare rose,
a delicate speciality.
I know... you can rise to this.
Oh. Let me guess - texting Manchester's biggest gangster?
Not him. He's been sacked.
Did you laugh at his shit car?
Mum's treating me to new jeans. We can get Nando's with the change?
Yeah, defo.
Trafford Centre's open till 10.
I can't go tonight. I told Sarah I'd go pictures with her.
No worries. Maybe some other time.
I was thinking nice and tight.
Hey.
Insomnia must be contagious.
Yeah. Go on, go back to bed.
Dom, what's that about?
Sanctioned self-harming.
The church was on to that buzz centuries ago.
It's not funny.
Trying to get to where her head was.
To what end?
See what pushed her.
I thought you said she jumped.
Look.
I was mad into him back then.
And now?
We're having a slight difference of opinion.
In the name of the father...
I order you to bed.
Go on. I'm all right.
Eloi, eloi, lama sabachthani.
Eh?
You don't mind, do you?
You fucked with me from the very start.
No dad, no role model...
is that how you suck us in, do you? The vulnerable? The needy?
Like some parasite nonce?
All those years I covered for you,
lying on your behalf...
How often did I dupe young men and women
struck down in their prime by incurable cancers?
Reassured them - pray to you, believe...
their journey has a destination?
I was never selfish.
Not once.
Cos that's how it's supposed to work.
You give when needed
and I trusted that you would do the right thing.
Hadn't she suffered enough?
Hadn't she suffered enough?!
Can't you see I'm done with you now?
You're nothing to me.
We're done.
"Surround yourself with...
"..persons most like the people you want to become."
Nearly."..Peoplemost like thepersonyou want to become."
I told him I'd struggle.
What do life coaches wear anyway?
He told me, smart and casual.
He's paying.
No.
Try another.
"Don't put off being happy...
"..until some later date."
At last!
A lot of this makes sense, you know?
He called me a delicate rose.
I'll have a glass of your finest red wine - and one for Frank.
Potius hodie quam cras.
Come again?
School badge - red wine in the morning, pisspots' warning.
In the name of all wars, genocide, starvation, floods,
earthquakes, disease, suicides and pointless slaughter...
I salute you!
Anyone else?
Oh yeah. In nomine patri...
Enough of this sacrilege! Where's your respect?
I am now a born again convert to the word... of our Frank.
You shall burn in hell.
No, no, there is no hell...
no god other than Eric of Cantona!
Eh-hey-hey!
Georgi Kinkladze is St Peter!
Five tonne now - another monkey when the job's done.
Take four weeks of spitting in burgers to earn a grand...
Should be an easy decision, then?
Go on.
I need assistance.
With?
Who?
Me.
What?
Suicide. You were right all along...
Whoa...! Don't you blame this on me!
Oh, there's no blame, but... there's no god for me anymore.
And like you said - living a certain way is worse than no life at all.
I was speaking about little immigrants!
Spend it on a flight to Zurich - get a professional service! Frank...
At least have a think about it.
Go on.
So how long are they away for? Just one night.
She's on her own? No brothers or sisters?
They're with her mum and dad.
Smashed it!
Our man's going to rattle it all night!
She told me to come prepared...?
Scrub up proper. After shave - you can use my Aramis...
wash your bellend...
She means condoms!
I'll sort it - on the house.
I want details, yeah? Size of her nipples,
if she's shaved her poonani or if she's got spider's legs...!
Yep - hear, see, and speak plenty of evil.
Hey, bro, did you see that, bro?
She was checking you out! My man's on fire!
We used to hang around here as kids.
Lovely.
Exploring round here was like a journey to a lost world.
Huh! I remember once,
a proper sunburst came through an 'ole in the roof
and lit Jimmy H like an angel.
I was up there, looking down.
It was beautiful. I felt warm, connected to it all.
Glorious.
Truly. Ten years old - my first mystical experience.
My first holding hands in my love affair with God.
Mmm.
So why end it now?
I never gave doubt any space.
You know, once you do, the...
the questions on questions on questions, you're just... dragged into a vortex.
So, drink, take enough gear,
block the lot - get so twatted, no coherent thought gets through.
Ha-ha!
Now you can start living!
Yeah. I admire you, Frank.
I'll leave a note for our Gloria to pay you the rest.
But why do you need me?
You kick these away, you make sure that I'm dead.
If you get it wrong, I could end up a cabbage in a wheelchair.
Phwor - enough of them hanging round my neck already.
Up there?
Full circle.
Watch it!
You're the one who said you wanted to be like "grown-up friends".
Ooh, touche!
You want me to go out with someone who's experienced?
I just don't want you to be disappointed.
What if he's experienced, but younger?
As long as he's legal.
He's 16 in a month.
It would be like going with your brother!
As an only child, that means nothing to me.
How do you know he's done more than even kiss her?
Are you still a virgin?
No, I lost it when I was 12.
It doesn't follow that he's experienced.
Suppose that confidence has got to come from somewhere.
It's just a little matter of where and when.
Way I see it...
got no faith, you only got two choices...
live with no hope,
which brings us here. Or...
live with no fear!
i. e....
There! You see that?
Just...
Just do it.
Ugh!
That's a sign!
That fucking hurt!
You've been given a sign!
From who, Frank?
Well, I don't fucking know!
A sign, you know!
Well on the road to Golgotha now.
There's no backing out.
Living a healthier life will enable me to...
live longer, live more happily,
have better energy...
and...
Be more...
Oh, it's gone.
Comfortable with myself.
Christ, how hard can it be? Sorry, I...
I...
Ah...
Woah, woah, woah!
Take it easy. Come on.
Deep breaths now, come on.
Now close your eyes...
imagine you're somewhere special,
and you're doing something that makes you happy.
Now think of someone with you...
someone who calms and soothes you...
'Who do you want that to be?
'Now, this person is going to help you through this task.
'With this person beside you...
'..you can accomplish anything!'
Open your eyes.
You feel better?
Yes, thank you.
You can do this.
No, I couldn't hang meself, anyway, I'm a physical coward.
Er...
Frank? Get me the biggest bottle of paracetamol that they've got.
There's no need!
That raspberry in ours, she's got her own pharmacy...
paracetamol, diazepam, tramadol...
Get on our settee.
Makes sense to do it somewhere safe and comfy...
familiar face holding your hand
as you drift gently into that good night.
Yeah. Are you sure?
Yeah, course. Just give us, you know,
half an hour to fuck Patty off
and check that Aidan and Stella are out.
Non-prescription - these don't come cheap.
Oh, what cost your Christian soul?
What's the point if they won't kill him?
He'll still be pissed and fall asleep!
And then what?
I don't fucking know!
Just buys us time to work on him - just talk him out of it.
Let him get on with it. Never feckin' liked him anyway.
Emo's ruin - good old paracetamol.
Even if they get there in time to save you,
your liver'll pack up within six months.
Thought everyone was out?
Must be Stella's new... cat.
Fuckin' playing at?!
Start thinking like a manager, not a doer.
It's Lillian's randomness that I find most effective.
Visualise your own success.
I'd recommend her to anyone with a busier than average life.
"If you can't make it good, at least make it look good."
Bill Gates.
Pissing and shitting everywhere, it's...!
Brought some more - in case.
DIY paracetamol?
One's misfortune - two's fucking carelessness!
Oh, God, what are the chances of that?
All right, Dom. Dom, come on, come on, come on...
Get off!
Come on! Watch the... cat!
You're taking the piss!
Who do you think you're talking to?!
You're the gobshite taking the overdose!
Have you any idea what that does to those left behind?!
Those boards should never have broke!
Who can I trust?!
Me!
Come on - this is where it all starts!
Two of us - afraid of nothing!
Get a grip, shithouse!
Why doesn't that appeal?
Look, you... think I want my dabs on these bottles?!
You go to jail for this shit!
Dom...!
I don't know how to say it.
He hasn't even got a bike.
He has.
I don't want to sound like a slag.
You're asking him to come round, not speak,
just in case talking "ruins the moment",
shag you on a one-night stand, then go back to the way it was.
It's pretty difficult to dress that up any other way.
Give it here.
Something like this?
Maybe.
It's perfect. Just send it!
I'm scared.
I don't know why you'd rather him than Warren anyway.
Gone!
The blue ones are in the wash.
What about the grey?
'Perfect. I'm thinking red or black for me?'
Yeah.
'Aidan. I really want you.'
Yeah, can I call you back? Someone's at the door.
Yes! Get in!
What difference does it make if I land on one of them?
Take one of them with me?
What point this life you bestowed?!
This... mind?!
This pointless viscera.
Decaying organs, bones, pumping blood. It means fuck all!
I'm down to the dregs.
Liquid last supper.
Live with no hope, wither and die.
Or live with no fear. Grab life.
Both hands. Squeeze the living shit out of it.
Slainte.
And I can't keep off the toilet.
I've noticed.
Her skirt shouldn't be too short.
Except a bit of thigh gives the right signal.
And what is Aidan going to be like afterwards?
What if he turns into some psycho-stalker?
What if she does?
How's that helping?
Just softens it a bit. You don't mind?
Have you thought all this through?
You are joking?
Just... Aidan. I'm not convinced.
It's too late.
And I've ordered the rohypnol in case he's shy.
Not funny.
I thought this was what you wanted.
Kind of.
Good. Cos I need Gloria to sort out my bikini wax.
Keisha's done it.
And a little bonus for your performance earlier on.
You deserve it.
I learnt a lot about myself.
That's all well and good, but this is still how you earn a living.
Maybe not for much longer.
Good for you. Turn your business acumen to any number of things.
Throw in your new "life" skills. Nothing will stop you.
I'm going to miss you though.
There might be no need. You've got to act if you want something.
That's right.
No point dwelling, thinking what might have been.
You can stop now. The test is over.
I know you feel it too.
I need to go.
No, no kissing please!
Let me buy you dinner?
Dinner?!
I want to "shape my own destiny".
And I'm happy for you.
Take control. Let your rare rose fill you with her scent?
We can get to know each other.
Where?
Maldini's Moston.
I better go home. Freshen up a bit.
You smell OK to me.
Look good. Feel good. You want me on top form, don't you?
Ravioli. Half price before seven.
Oh, ravioli!
Before seven.
I'll pick you up at six!
Mmmm! Nice.
No mum?
All of a sudden she's gone squeamish.
Because it's Aidan?
You OK?
Yeah. Never better.
It's Letitia's first time.
Oh...
And we sanction this do we?
Well, Avril's opted for experience over true love,
so you need to make yourself scarce.
Right.
I think you should get some...
help.
Oh, no. No need.
This bullshit's over.
I'm as clear as I've ever been.
Fuck guilt...
Fuck God.
I'm living for me.
His wife might not like the idea.
Who says he's married?!
Come on! Statistically, 90% of them are.
Even if he is, she can't mess with what's meant to be.
Oh, aye. Sniffing your pits, must be serious.
I'm meeting Letitia.
What, round here?
Watch a film or something. Our DVD's broke.
Gloria said we could.
I wondered why she was here earlier. She didn't tell you?
That older kid with the souped-up hairdryer?
Warren?
Yeah, that's him. About an hour ago.
She was a bit unsure but he talked her into it.
Bit of a smooth operator.
Haven't you got a girlfriend?
If she's still speaking to me.
Well, it can get messy so close to home.
Once you take that step it changes everything.
Never go back to being mates.
Easy come.
Easy go.
Still no sign of him?
I thought you were going to bed?
Don't worry, I won't intrude.
So what's your dad's take on all of this?
I don't think he knows.
How long are you going to give him?
Not much more.
That might look a bit keen.
That's what I was thinking.
Do I know him?
Aidan.
Well, he's a very lucky lad.
There's got to be some explanation then, eh?
Probably his girlfriend.
So how come Aidan if it's all about "experience"?
Mum was the one going on about that.
Sometimes mums knows best.
You reckon?
Yeah. Definitely.
You know, I can tell you some of the benefits if you really want.
Like not getting stuck on a bra strap?
The truly experienced man should always execute that manoeuvre
with his teeth.
Fingers and thumbs are for...
the really delicate stuff.
"Build it and he will come."
I know what I need to do.
Forget all this hocus-pocus bollocks. Golden rule number one.
If I focus on the future... Rule number one!
Lillian.
Never fall for a punter.
Never!
My looks won't last much longer.
More than all of us, you know this isn't the place to find love.
I can tell Malcolm's different.
We pretend they're special for their benefit.
It gets dangerous if we blur the boundaries.
Let them live with the denial,
live that lie every day, skulking around
behind their wives' and girlfriends' backs.
He's the same as all the others.
So why say I'm a rose?
So you'd try your hardest?
I'll show him.
Thinks I'm a mug? Receipt for Malcolm Palmer.
Got it.
Visa? Mastercard?
Visa.
4921... 81...
Look. The best way, whether he went...
Bloody hell is that?!
Excuse me?
"Dildos"? What's that?
Nobody plays Lillian Tyler.
'40 years of faith and trust and belief, for what?'
'What good did the sacrifice do?'
'What have I contributed to the grand sum of the human well-being?
'Not a fucking jot.'
'I could mourn the lost time, say it was a waste,
'but that's not true. I got something from it, I got me,
'I got the tools I carry, that makes me the man I am today.
'And that puts me in a good place.
'To wreak some fucking havoc.'
I hope you're gone by the morning.
See? I told you.
I'm good.
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
Morning!
Good morning!
Somebody's popped their cherry!
Front door and back.
Baptism of fire.